On Forgiveness

Dealing with Bitterness in the Church

Over the past few weeks, I've been sharing thoughts on dealing with bitterness in the church. Some people asked if our church was experiencing conflict. We're not. However, even the healthiest churches can have minor personality clashes and issues. It's always wise to proactively learn how to deal with bitterness that can creep into our hearts. In any relationship, especially when broken people come together, there's potential for hurt and resentment.

Our motivation to forgive stems from the fact that God has forgiven much in us. I don't deserve grace. It's a gift, and I'm grateful that God gave it to me. Similarly, I can learn to give grace to those who have hurt me, even though they don't deserve it. If I can receive grace, maybe I can learn to extend it as well.

That's why, in the Bible, Jesus shares a story of two people forgiven of vastly different financial debts (Matthew 18:21-35). One owed 10,000 talents. A conservative estimate in today's currency would be $2,820,480,000.00. The other owed a hundred denarii, approximately $7,232 today. While the king is willing to forgive one man $2 billion, the same man is unable to forgive a much lesser amount owed by a fellow debtor. The point of this story is to remind us that our debt to God is infinitely greater than any issue we might have with others. God's grace compels us to show grace to others.

"Let me never forget that the heinousness of sin lies not so much in the nature of the sin committed, as in the greatness of the Person sinned against."1 — The Valley of Vision

This is why the model prayer Jesus gives us includes the difficult line, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." There are times I wish that line wasn't there. I want to be forgiven, but I don't really want to forgive. Instead, I want revenge. I fantasize about getting even. I daydream about doing to them as they have done to me. Grace is the last thing on my mind.

Thoughts of petty revenge don't build community. They only push us further from each other... and we are doing enough of that already.

It's important to note that forgiving doesn't always mean trusting. We can forgive someone who has harmed us, but that never means we put ourselves or others in a position to be harmed again. Forgiveness doesn't dispel consequences; it just removes the venom from the wounds in our own souls.

One path to forgiveness that has been helpful to me is rewriting the story I tell myself about my pain. The wounds of abuse and betrayal hurt, but they haven't destroyed me. I think of the movie "G.I. Jane," where a SEAL trainee sprains his ankle. The drill sergeant asks him if he is hurt or injured. Hurt means he'll be limping but can keep going. Injured means he's out and will quit the training. Betrayal hurts, but it doesn't take me out. I limp, but I press on.

If one part of this is reframing how I think this pain has impacted me, the other part is rewriting the way this pain colors the offending party. Lewis Smedes calls this step "Spiritual Surgery."

"When you forgive someone, you slice away the wrong from the person who did it. You disengage that person from his2 or her hurtful act. You recreate them. At one moment you identify that person as the one who did you wrong. But you choose that person's identity, and remake them in your memory." — Lewis Smedes

Isn't that how God forgives us? He put our sins away and chooses not to look at them. He doesn't see us as sinners, but as saints. As Paul said, we are "God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved."

What I am learning is to see those who have hurt me as God's chosen people, people who God wants to love. In the darkest part of my recent sufferings, I was talking about the person who cut me deeper than anyone, and it dawned on me that my honest hope was that they would end up in heaven. There wasn't a part of me that wanted them eternally separated from God. I wouldn't mind if they suffered a little, but I realized that my ultimate hope was for them to be loved, filled with grace, and transformed. Realizing that began the slow process of forgiveness. It helped me capture my petty thoughts, offer honest prayers, and realize how much that person and I equally need grace.

I wish this was easy. I wish it was a 4-step, 10-day process... but it's not. All I can say is hang in there, and if sharing your story would help, I'd love to listen.

With You;
-Tim